Unavailable to me

His eyes were dark and seemed cold,
yet my heart burned for him.
The more he pushed me away
the closer I wanted to be to him.
I overanalyzed and stayed up late
telling myself that this was not
the way to go.
This was not the way to hold
an icy heart
Yet I threw my heart towards him
I let him smash my hopes of love
with his hammer of unavailability.
Yet I still loved
I loved with unkind patience
and unfair judgement.
I wanted him
more than I wanted me
I thought he was me
And I tried achingly hard to be him.
Why
I don’t think I’ll ever know
I wasn’t meant to know
That wasn’t what I learned
in his shadow
He was there to help build my
wall of insensitivity.
But he could tear it down with
just one kiss.
A kiss I came to know as
more sweet then death
All he was to me